How To Enter Lagos Bus

 

For me, getting on a bus in Lagos has gone beyond a simple act of trying to get from one place to another. It is now an event that must undergo serious consideration, planning and quite a few calculations (physics, chemistry and biology all combined). Here are the five things I consider before I board a bus in Lagos.

1) The size of the bus: Seriously, don’t blame me for trying to differentiate between an actual bus and a pack of St Louis sugar but some buses in Lagos look like the drivers are trying out an experiment to see how many human beings can sit and smile in the smallest space imaginable. Some buses I have boarded in our center of excellence are so small that world class contortionists would charge premium rates to get inside.

And it’s the smallest busses that have the most seats somehow and for someone like me with long legs, it is nearly impossible not to have my knees bumping into the, er, behind of the person sitting right in front of me. Which gets me certain glares from certain ladies. Which is why I now sit right behind the driver on public buses.

2) Whether the person I would sit beside is a motor mechanic. Forgive me for sounding like this but don’t roadside mechanics ever consider that the person that would sit beside them on a bus would be someone say, going for a job interview or an important meeting and his/her clothes have to remain spotless (and not black polka dotted/smudged) before and after boarding a bus. I mean, last week, I was on a bus and someone suddenly slid in beside me only for me to notice with horror all the grease and motor oil smudged all over him. I was wearing a white shirt for goodness sakes and as the guy was trying to extract his fare from his rather tight pants, I had to shrink away from him to prevent my shirt from being his towel. I mean, is there anything wrong with having a clean overall for when they have to quickly dash somewhere on public transport?

3) The, er, size of the people on the bus. Again, my apologies, but there should be a rule disallowing people of a particular, er, radius from numbering more than one on a bus seat in a danfo bus. I recently found myself seated between two *clears throat* generously sized women on a bus and I was thinking it was bad enough, only to see another one waddling towards the bus! And there was only space left for one more passenger! And it was on that particular seat! Having had a similar experience the week before with two large men and one horizontally expansive woman, I quickly remembered that I forgot to remember something of some sort and got off the bus for my own good. If I wanted to lose weight, I would hit the gym, not have it pressed out of me. Again, my apologies t plus sized people. Hope no offense taken!

4) The driver’s eyes: They say don’t drink and drive, and with the number of accidents recorded each year in Naija, you would think people would heed to that advice. We wish! I have been on a bus that had me saying prayers all the way to my destination with me eventually getting off two bus stops away from mine having been convinced that if I stayed on, I wouldn’t get there alive. Funny thing is that it is possible the driver wasn’t drunk but if someone sober drives like that, just imagine what someone with red, alcohol knocked-about eyes would do. And considering I see certain drivers and conductors smoking weed while a hot sun is bearing down on all and sundry, the idea that one driver might suddenly go insane while at the wheel makes this a pretty important concern!

(Note: You might also want to find out what colour the conductor's eyes are before arguing with him over change. He might just strip Unclad to prove his point y'know!)

5) Well, the general appearance of the bus! Call me picky but I’m rather careful about what the buses I board look like. I haven’t always been like that but when a bus door suddenly flew off while the bus I was on was roaring at top speed on third mainland bridge, I added this to my list of personal principles! Mainly because I was the one seated right beside said flying door! Not to talk of buses with so many sharp edges that you would board with a regular shirt and disembark with something that looks more like lace. The bus doesn’t have to look brand new, but c’mon, if it looks like the body would suddenly fall of while in transit, I’d rather wait for the next bus!

(Note: Before someone calls me a bad belle person, I live in Lagos, which is why I specified. I don’t know how buses elsewhere (and fat people elsewhere) operate!)